Defeat

A.S.= I wrote this in a dark period if my life and, though now I’m perfectly fine, I decided to post it. Everyone can overcome darkness, despair (in one word, depression). Though I was feeling so helpless I did it and so can you. Don’t give up! Never do it!
I still haven’t figured out what’s life about. 

You were born in this world. Young, inexperienced as you were, you thought it was a beautiful place to live your fairytale.

Colors, noises, faces and perfumes. 

You thought that everything would have been just happy.

What a 4 years old baby can know about problems?

Then, growing up, life shows its true identity: a black never ending ink continuously following you. 

Maybe it’s your shadow itself.

You think that life it’s like this and that it’s not fair for anyone. You try to think about people who have it worse than you and then guilt eats you up. You think that’s only a phase and that sun will rise again.

But no. 

It won’t make the obscurity end.

Because, you know, everytime I had had a problem big or small I faced it, alone. By choice. 

Yes, for years there was nobody for me. But I defeated every inch of darkness around people I love. 

I had no fear for anything.

I was strong.

I was bold. 

I was a warrior.

I was.

Because I realize that it doesn’t matter how much you try to run and run… for a moment of happiness I have to pay way too much despair and for an undefined time. 

I don’t really believe in karma. But if there is something like that, mine is really bad. I wonder what I could have done in my previous life to live in my 23 years of live already so much pain.

What’s worse it’s that’s not even victimisation: it’s the plain truth. Nobody knows our lives so nobody should judge or say “others have it worse than you”.

I get that other people feel pain. I spent my life taking care of them and I keep doing it in any way I can. 

But I feel it too. And thinking to measure pain simply comparing people’s lives is really wrong.

What I know is that every time I’m happy, something has to happen and destroy it. It has always been like this.

It’s like a cycle. An endless one.

Every time I’m truly happy I’m so scared because I know that it doesn’t matter what I do… darkness never fails to get me.

And it’s so painful.

It’s so painful living with the fear of being happy.

I don’t even remember what it is.

How? 

How can I forget what happiness is?

Well… when despair takes your entire mind… your brain won’t allow you to remember it.

And what I know is that I would pay to sleep… and sleep.. also for years… and to wake up only when good things would (hopefully) happen and the pain will end.

I’m not a warrior anymore. I’m really tired.

Nobody deserves to live in a haunted maze.

Memento

Take me away
Be my afterglow, my retrograde amnesia.

Let me fly on your wings and set me free.

I do not want to stay in this so hurtful city any longer. Every time I set my feet outside the door memories pushes me down.

Everything I lay my gaze on holds a memento in the framework of my life.

I won’t say that only negative tokens pervade the place I grew up in, because that would be a lie.

But what do you do when those aren’t enough to enlighten your smile?

You search for something more. 

You become greedy. 

Wanting true happiness in a world devoid of memories.

Breaking Free

The mind believed while the heart screamed.

Once outside the maze, the wandering soul let itself be led by a shameful spell.

Near, there was a warm, comfortable light, but the crazy soul walked away from it.

The mind believed while the heart screamed.

It was indeed scary to risk another ride in the immense labyrinth.

The foolish soul tried its best to keep the light far, though it would be there in its thoughts and dreams. 

Nobody could truly love that unworthy soul, so -thought the spirit- the light will forget it.

The mind believed while the heart screamed.

The careless soul run away toward the deception, thinking to find a place to reflect and, subconsciously, blame itself more.

As the soul was hurt and, then, confused, its mind took the worst decision.

The mind believed while the heart screamed.

Behind the magical spell there was a ruling patrol. 

Found a prison at the door’s maze.

The darkness still did not leave the silly soul. And, this time, it was wanted.

When the spell broke, the light was still there.

The soul couldn’t believe it.

Brightness was spreading, though it was night when they found each other again.

The soul now knew:

There will be happier days,

There will be sad days,

There will be hard moments,

There will be peaceful times,

But the light will always be with it, going through them together. Just as the soul will never leave the light’s side.

There is no reason to be scared anymore.

Once upon a time, the mind believed easier lies, while the heart screamed at such crime.

Sometimes, it’s better to listen to our heart, than to our dishonest brain.