Defeat

A.S.= I wrote this in a dark period if my life and, though now I’m perfectly fine, I decided to post it. Everyone can overcome darkness, despair (in one word, depression). Though I was feeling so helpless I did it and so can you. Don’t give up! Never do it!
I still haven’t figured out what’s life about. 

You were born in this world. Young, inexperienced as you were, you thought it was a beautiful place to live your fairytale.

Colors, noises, faces and perfumes. 

You thought that everything would have been just happy.

What a 4 years old baby can know about problems?

Then, growing up, life shows its true identity: a black never ending ink continuously following you. 

Maybe it’s your shadow itself.

You think that life it’s like this and that it’s not fair for anyone. You try to think about people who have it worse than you and then guilt eats you up. You think that’s only a phase and that sun will rise again.

But no. 

It won’t make the obscurity end.

Because, you know, everytime I had had a problem big or small I faced it, alone. By choice. 

Yes, for years there was nobody for me. But I defeated every inch of darkness around people I love. 

I had no fear for anything.

I was strong.

I was bold. 

I was a warrior.

I was.

Because I realize that it doesn’t matter how much you try to run and run… for a moment of happiness I have to pay way too much despair and for an undefined time. 

I don’t really believe in karma. But if there is something like that, mine is really bad. I wonder what I could have done in my previous life to live in my 23 years of live already so much pain.

What’s worse it’s that’s not even victimisation: it’s the plain truth. Nobody knows our lives so nobody should judge or say “others have it worse than you”.

I get that other people feel pain. I spent my life taking care of them and I keep doing it in any way I can. 

But I feel it too. And thinking to measure pain simply comparing people’s lives is really wrong.

What I know is that every time I’m happy, something has to happen and destroy it. It has always been like this.

It’s like a cycle. An endless one.

Every time I’m truly happy I’m so scared because I know that it doesn’t matter what I do… darkness never fails to get me.

And it’s so painful.

It’s so painful living with the fear of being happy.

I don’t even remember what it is.

How? 

How can I forget what happiness is?

Well… when despair takes your entire mind… your brain won’t allow you to remember it.

And what I know is that I would pay to sleep… and sleep.. also for years… and to wake up only when good things would (hopefully) happen and the pain will end.

I’m not a warrior anymore. I’m really tired.

Nobody deserves to live in a haunted maze.

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Cage

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You that know what I feel, please open the door of my prison.

Take the key and set me free, making me fly again

And in that way, I can come to you and then hold you

So, please, open your window tonight and wait for me.

If you use the key in your hands, I would definitely come

And would lightly call your name.

You would look at me with surprise and let me enter, while hugging me tightly.

It doesn’t matter what will happen, know that I’m here and will never forget you.

I love you

Suspense

Your ghostly hand is still tightly holding mine,

though you said there is no “us” anymore,

though you decided to give up fighting for us,

though you are not listening to my prayers.

I can feel them: your fingers intertwined with mine.

They are so delicate and so strong in the same time.

Oh, they feel so good in mine

The perfect match paired with me;

my only companion forever.

But ghosts can drive you crazy:

To exist, they absorb your life’s essence.

And you can’t send them away.

You just can’t, as they were part of the

most beautiful time of your life.

So, what do you do?

You linger in the memories with your ghosts,

also if by doing it you are giving up to your everything .

You don’t care.

You only dream that those ghosts can become reality again,

as you are still waiting.

My love, how many prayers should I say

before you come back to me?

My puppy, how many sleepless nights or nightmares should I live

before you come back to me?

My baby, how many days should I spend crying

before you come back to me?

My companion, how much should I still suffer

before you come back to me?

This life is not life anymore…

Will you ever come back to me?

Will you ever come and say “I’m back, I love you”?

Will you ever realize the love I hold for you?

Will you ever understand that there is nobody who can love you the way I do?

Will you ever grasp the reality?

We are for each other

How many questions without reply.

Do not wait till it’s too late.

Then, the only thing you will talk to would be a grave.

 

Dices

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You gave me life and took it from me

Don’t let me linger in this pain any longer

And, please, push the knife deeply in my heart.

So that I can’t breathe anymore.

I’m asking you to kill me.

I can’t survive like this.

Put me in peace.

Like Desdemona, I would caress your

face and smile at you while you do it.

Don’t worry my love…

It’s not me you would kill;

But only my body.

As my soul already died the day you left.

Please, hurry.

Bring me back to life or kill me…

But I need to know quickly,

As my body can’t take it any longer.

Red Lines

(WARNING: this is about self harming and may be highly triggering. So, please, if you self harm or are depressed, don’t read this. Thank you and hug you)

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“Stop it. Don’t do it”

You hear this voice in your head thousands of times.

You wish it could just go away and let you in peace

Or being so effective that you follow the instruction.

But you don’t.

The pain is devouring you alive and

you can’t bear it anymore.

“Stop it. Don’t do it”

You know that there is something

deeply wrong in what you are doing.

You do know it.

But this is the only way to keep

the mental pain away for a little.

Only for some time.

“Stop it. Don’t do it”

The sorrow starts to decrease

when you make your mind.

Then, you look at your skin with pleasure

caressing it with care and

waiting for the next wave to come.

And then…

“Stop it. Don’t do it”

Too late.

Crystals

tears

A first one; then endless ones.

I didn’t know it would have been like this

But it is.

They can’t stop and I don’t know what to do.

If I try to dry them, more and more appear,

like an impetuous river, on my face.

I didn’t know I had so many of them;

it seems they never get tired to drop.

But it exhausts me.

It crashes me.

Making me drown in its own dark ocean.

Clock

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My love, yes, I’m writing to you,

if there is only a little chance for you

to come back to me and bring me back to life,

please, I’m pleading you to hurry.

My only, beautiful, unique love,

if you do love, cherish me still,

please, do not linger anymore.

Take my hand again, walk with me…

My love, I’m here waiting and, I know

I had always told you I would have forever.

But my mind is shattering and my body is breaking.

It’s only a matter of time…

Our serendipity wasn’t an accident and you know it too;

We are fated to be, my soulmate.

Don’t realize it when my heart won’t beat anymore;

Then, it will be too late.