Nightmare

Have you ever had a nightmare? 

Not a simple one. A so terrible dream you only want to scream, but there is no voice leaving your lips?

So strong to make you completely paralyzed in pure terror? So intense you only wish it’s indeed a bad dream and to wake up in our comfortable bed?

I had. And everyone experienced it. 

But what would you do if you fall in your worst dream by being awake? 

Few people may understand my words, so I’m making it clearer. 

That night was cold and the humidity was high. I never liked humid places, but, at least for the time being, we decided to live there. Our apartment (on the ground floor of a condo) wasn’t well connected with the city center, nor so interesting, as it was located in the periphery, but we were happy. We didn’t need anything more than each other.

Of course, money were a factor, as “we can’t eat love”, he would say, but our situation was just good.

He was a skilled lawyer, who was trying to adapt to that new situation and get known to people. As for me, I was working in a library as librarian assistant, for the time being. It was only a part-time job,  true, but I was giving my best and hoping to be soon given the possibility to work full. 

We couldn’t afford luxuries and it was fine for us. 

It was really hard to get finally together and we really didn’t care about trivial things. But it was indeed true, that both of us had the plan of taking care of our families too, so we were working harder for that to happen.

It was a routine, after ending my shift, to take the bus and reach him.

I never dared to enter in his workplace, so I just waited outside for him to come. 

As always, I sit on a bench, only some meters away. Then I gave a look at my watch: it was 5:50 pm. 

‘Only ten minutes’ I thought, raising my head and looking up to the sky.

Then a funny smile appeared on my face. 

‘I would be lucky it it was really only ten minutes!’ I kept smiling ‘He always overworks himself out’.

I breathed my air off in my scarf. I closed my eyes for a bit and i smiled again when I found out that he was the first image I could find in that dark smoke.

A warm hand on my head made my eyes open almost instantly. I would recognise that touch among millions, but as I dozed off, my instincts weren’t that bright.

“Aki, are you feeling ok?” 

He soon touched my cheek.

“I’m fine, I was only sleeping” I said, looking at him.

He looked tired.

“I thought you have fever and passed out. Don’t wait here again” said he, worried.

I just made the “no” sign with my head and took my tongue off.

“You forgot this” Then I took a scarf from my bag and carefully dressed him with it. 

“Let’s go home, you crazy girl”

He took my hand and started walking. It wasn’t a gesture he was used to do, so he didn’t do it very often. I blushed a little, closing my fingers on his hand.

They were years we knew each other and, still, I couldn’t help but falling deeply in love with him day after day. 

I imagined myself still blushing at 70 for his kiss and I laughed out loud. 

“I don’t even want to know what’s going on in that mind of yours” he said, approaching the car.

I smacked him lightly on the shoulder and pretended to be offended, with a smile on my lips. 

He stopped his steps and gave a light kiss on my forehead. My cheeks were still red when we entered in the car.

A car was something we really needed as we lived so far from the center. 

During our ride I asked him how his work had been and he did the same. Then we stopped in a parking lot to have some groceries.

“Hey, you wait here, oki?” I said, noticing he was already unfastening his belt clip. 

He looked puzzled. Usually, if we were together, we did it together.

“You’re tired. Just wait here some minutes. I’ll be back soon” I said, turning on the radio.

He then nodded, knowing there was no use trying to convince me on that. 

“Should I add something else?” I asked, showing him the grocery list.

“Nope, it’s ok as it is. I’m waiting for you”

The list making was important as we had to be careful to not spend too much and to stick buying only things we needed.

The supermarket wasn’t really crowded that day. I went to the vegetable section and started to take the veggies we needed. 

An old song was playing in the shop. I could recognise it, as it was one of my favourites.

“I tried to go on like I never knew you I’m awake but my world is half asleep I pray for this heart to be unbroken But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete” 

I started humming quietly after the song, while taking food.

Then, as i took the milk bottle in my hand, a thunder lightened the sky. I could only hear the noise and it was enough for me to drop the item on the ground.

As soon as I was going to take it again, I noticed a man walking in my direction. I didn’t usually look at people, but this time was different.

Only by looking I could sense that something was wrong about him. 

He was wearing jeans, a black shirt and dark coat. A cigarette was set between his lips and there was a medium length scar under his right eye.

He looked at me when he noticed I was staring, so I quickly took the milk bottle and stood up again.

I could heard his steps approaching me but I did not dare to look again. I just thanked the door when it opened again, as the man, then, decided to walk away.

I felt a hand on my shoulder just in that moment and it made me jump.

“I’m sorry I startled you”

It was him.

I felt relieved and looked again on my left to be sure that man wasn’t there anymore.

“It started raining and there were thunders too, so I-”

“Let’s go home” I hurriedly said.

I felt uneasy and I didn’t know the reason. Maybe my obsession with horror movies was making me paranoid.

Yes, it was like that for sure.

Nothing was going to happen.

‘That poor guy had a scar and was stared by me. I made him feel uneasy. Why am I the one feeling that way?’

My other half mistook my silence and my actions for my thunder phobia. And it was ok, as explaining would have made him feel worried too.

For the rest of the ride back home, he held my hand, caressing it with his finger and singing soothing songs.

“Do you feel any better now?” He asked, just after turning the car in our street and slowing it down.

“I’m perfectly fine” I said, smiling.

He parked the car and asked me to wait inside as he was going to take the umbrella in the trunk.

I wasn’t fast enough to block him, that he already went under the rain and got wet. He came, then, by my side and opened my door. 

“You got all wet” I said, touching his hair and white shirt.

“Let’s go to get warm then” he said, circling my shoulders with his arm.

But destiny had other plans for us.

As soon as we reached the door, I held my breath as I saw it slightly opened. He put a hand over my lips, covering my mouth and then made a “shh” sound.

I nodded and my heart started pounding loudly. He was about to open the door, when I held him back from the shirt, miming a “No” movement with my lips.

“Don’t worry. Stay here” I read, then, on his lips as reply.

Someone entered in our house and he wanted to go in too? We should have called the police. He knew why we left the country and still was being so impulsive.

He entered, being careful to not make any noise. Once he was inside he turned the lights on. I followed him and noticed there was nobody in the entrance, but that everything was a mess. 

Drawers were opened and what was inside could be found on the wooden floor. That was a theft. But whatever they wanted, it couldn’t be found there.

We didn’t’ have any valuable objects or… the stored money!

They didn’t have much stored or ‘worth of stealing’, but they were working much for those.

I soon moved to go to the bedroom, but he caught my arm, his glance staring into space. 

“What is it? I’m going to che-”

“We’re not alone” he said under his breath.

At those words I froze. I looked at him, catching his hand. I stood in silence, awaiting to hear noises from the other rooms. 

In that moment I also realized I forgot my bag (and so my phone) in the car. I cursed in my mind and I squeezed his hand.

“Let’s go” I said, with almost no voice.

He was thinking something, but I couldn’t understand what. He looked serious. And of course a normal person should look like this in a similar situation, but I felt that there was more in his mind.

“Please” I added, as to push him.

He, then, nodded and tightened the grip.

In that moment, someone came running from the bedroom. He had a black cap on his head and it was difficult to see his face because of it and the unpredictability of what was happening.

My lover instinctively put his arms around me, but what happened next was totally unexpected.

The man run away from the entrance door, without even looking at us. Usually thefts ask where the money is or ask for more, isn’t that right? 

‘Probably he just got scared. Maybe he was a newbie’ I thought, relieved.

But it wasn’t the end.

The hand that was grasping mine, suddenly left. He went outside too, after him.

“Wait!” I exclaimed, totally overwhelmed, running behind him too. 

It was raining harder and the piercing cold again welcomed me, but I couldn’t feel it this time. I looked at my left and I saw them. In that moment my mind had to decide what to do.

Going too and being sure to not lose them or going on my right, where the car was parked, to call the police?

I decided to take my right. Calling for help was the proper thing to do for now.

After opening the door I jumped inside the car, frantically searching for my bag. But something else caught my eyes; something that I did not notice when I entered in the car before. On the back seat there was a pile of documents, perfectly ordinated. I read the headline of the first one and my heart jumped: I recognized them. 

Was the thief searching for them and that was why my lover went after him?

I immediately left the car, taking their direction. I didn’t even realized that I forgot the reason I entered in the first place. Nothing was more important than finding him now.

The asphalt was wet and the road dark. There was only a faint light coming from a lamp. I run several meters but I couldn’t understand where they went, as I didn’t hear their steps anymore.

I was about to call him, when I heard some voices. I couldn’t understand what they were saying, so I just approached them. As I walked, I understood they came from the garages below. I descended and I saw a glimpse of my lover’s face, lightened by the moon. 

I reached him, touching his arm, and he looked quite alarmed I was there too. He thought I had gone to ask for help, probably.

His look was telling me “What the hell are you doing here?”

And as reply, my face was telling him “Do you seriously think I would have left you alone?”

We could just understand each other by looking.

A third person was in front of us, but I couldn’t see his face as he was giving us his back. But in that moment he faced us.

I opened my eyes wide like they were betraying me.

“Y-You?”

My lover looked at me, puzzled.

“Do you know him?”

“We just met in the supermarket one hour ago, didn’t we?” said the man “You took a good look at this too” added, pointing his scar.

He took a step toward us.

“What do you want?” my lover asked, in a harsh tone.

“You know very well what I want. And what we didn’t found in your house” he said, smiling.

“We don’t know what you’re talking about!” I said, trying to persuade him “If it’s money you want, we have very less saved, as you saw”

“Don’t play dumb. It’s documents I’m talking about”

I swallowed, and took my lover’s hand. He left it opened.

“We don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re mistaking us for other people, sir. We don’t have the documents you search” I kept saying, wondering the lack of response from my lover. He looked again in a contemplative state. 

“Kim Yuki” The man said, looking my lover directly in the eyes. “He has those documents. Are you sure you don’t know him?”

My grip tightened.

“We don’t know anyone by that name. Also, if you enter in our house again like that, we will call the police.” I kept saying, acting as a totally clueless person “So, now, we’re going” I said, hoping to end the encounter like that.

“I’m the person you’re searching. I’m Kim Yuki” 

I looked at him and squeezed his hand, like saying “Are you crazy? What are you doing?”

“Now, if you let her go, I can say to you where the documents are” Yuki said, leaving my hand and looking the man.

Several seconds passed and, then, the man broke in a loud laughter. He took some steps away, and then talked.

“Do you think you can make a deal with us?”

He faced us again, but this time, he was playing with a knife in his hand.

“You better don’t forget who we are”

“I’m not saying anything, if first she doesn’t go away from here” said Yuki calmly again.

“Do you think we can’t find those fucking documents alone now that we found where you live? You arrogant prick!” the man said, while running toward him, the knife in hand.

My heart skipped a beat and I immediately positioned myself between the two men, my arms opened wide, as to protect him the best I could.

For a second I saw the knife toward me, but then, I suddenly found myself on the floor, pushed, by one side.

“YUKI!” I screamed, as soon as I realized he pushed me down and so was in danger.

My heart got lighter when I saw that my love wasn’t hurt, but got anxious again as they started fighting.

My eyes followed him and then the men and then the knife and I moved forward, uncertain on what to do. 

As Yuki nudged him behind the neck, he looked at me.

“Don’t do anything! Just go away!”

His expression was worried and was trying to say to me that he couldn’t concentrate well if i was in danger. 

I closed my eyes and turned on the other side. I never felt my heart that heavy before. I tried to not listen to the noises they were making behind me.

I had to ask for help and fast.

Since they were blocking the entrance, I had to reach the other ways out, so I started running toward them.

I couldn’t let my worries dominate me now. I had to help him in the ways I objectively could.

But a big figure, in the dark, blocked my way. I went closer to it, and I felt hope rising again in me.
BANG

A sudden loud noise paralyzed me.

A slimmer figure fell on the ground and the black cap fell from his head.

I found myself trembling.

“The secret is to get rid of anyone who knows your dirt, before they can use it against you” The big man said, putting the weapon, away. “Don’t you think so?” he added, affably looking at me.

I could still hear the noises behind me. I hoped Yuki wasn’t hurt.

“So…” he started again, walking toward me. As he did it my feet went backwards. “Do you mind disclosing me about the documents place? If it’s a young couple like you, I could make an exception and let you two go”.

I looked the dead body on the ground. He barely looked 20. It was a certainty that they would have killed us also if I spoke.

My back touched the stone wall behind me and I felt lost.

“There is no way you will let us go” I said, looking him in the eyes.

I counted till 3 in my mind and tried to run on my right, but he caught me and laughed at my poor attempt. I, then, tried to kick him in the balls, but again, it was useless.

“You are surely bold to attack me like that”

In that moment, I realized I didn’t hear the sounds anymore. They ended fighting. My head turned on its left, waiting for any sign.

“Oh, I’m curious too to know who won” the man said, amused. “Anyway, whoever comes, I’m going to just pull the trigger” he added, taking his gun again.

I looked at it, in horror.

“W-What?”

“Oh, but you can change that. If you don’t want for him to die, you only have to tell me where he keeps those documents”

Anxiety was killing me. Not for the choice to make, but to know if he was alive.

“Aki!” I heard his voice calling me and I let out a sigh of relief.

My other half was alive.

I almost felt without energies as fear was eating me the whole time.

“I’ll tell you, so put the gun away” I said, looking the man straight in the eyes. “If you hurt or kill him, you better kill me too as I won’t say a word”

In that moment, Yuki emerged from the dark.

“Aki!” He exclaimed as soon as he saw me. He was relevied. When he head the bang he tought I was been hurt. 

He had different red signs on his face and blood was coming from his arm.

“Yuki” I whispered, looking worried.

“Well, well, well, so you survived in the end” the big man said “That’s good.”

“I’m telling you only if you let us-” I started saying.

The man pointed the gun on my head and Yuki stepped forward.

“I should check if you aren’t tricking me first, right?” 

“They’re in my car. You can check it now. Just let her go” said Yuki, looking highly anxious at that gun.

The man took his phone and immediately called.

“His car. Tell me if they’re there. Now” he was ordering.

I looked Yuki and he looked back at me. There was nothing to say if not “I love you”.

“Good” The man ended the conversation and put his phone back in his coat. “Thank you for being collaborative” he said, smiling.

“Now let her go” pressed Yuki.

“I remember to have said to let you live, not to let her go”

“If you touch her, I swear-”

“I’m not saying I’ll kill her either.”

At that point we were just confused.

“I’ll take her just as you took those documents and make me search for you for years. I think you know how much money and credibility you made my company lose” the big man sounded serious for the first time “As you tried to destroy what was the most important thing to me, I’m going to make you live without it. Killing either of you just won’t do it. You two will have to suffer for life”.

I never saw Yuki so angry. It was like rage was possessing him. 

The big man took my arm and smiled. I looked Yuki and, though I was confused and scared, I tried to reassure him.

“Everything will be fine. Yuu, believe me please” I tried to smile “Nothing is going to pull us apart. Just look forward our next mee-”

I was interrupted by the man, who pulled me from the wall.

“Enough with the farewells.” And with that, he kept pulling me apart from my love.

His eyes were a mix of rage and emptiness and I still tried to make him calm.

‘Don’t worry. We’re alive at least. We will find each other again. Please, look after yourself while I’m away. I love you and will forever love you”.

I could not see him anymore now.

He was hidden in the darkness again.

I could let my tears flow freely now.

I didn’t know what would have happened in the near future. But I knew that I belonged to Yuki and Yuki belonged to me. 

We found each other once and we would have found each other again… and again. I believed it.

‘Till i can again take your hand, wait for me my love’

Hunt

I was the fastest, they said. 

In a matter of seconds I could make three of them fall on the ground.

They said I was silent. 

I moved my body in the dark and I would catch my prey just making my gun sing.

‘I’m not the only one’ I would, then, say. 

Everyone was there to fight those dangerous zombies and save the country.

I didn’t like to take all the merit, though I knew I was the best. Only the previous day, a young man died by one of those monsters. He was only 24.

Barbaric, violent, without any spark of humanity attacking civilization, rationality, order.

It was hard but they were winning. Just like he heard, he always pointed the gun toward the brain through the head, and when he couldn’t, the face.

No other points. He was really precise.

As the day of the final battle arrived, he made a motivational discourse to his men and, then, launched himself against the enemies.

Blood was soon painting everything. Screams, loud noises, confusion. Dead bodies laid on the ground, lifelessy. The sky was dark and high shadows of sparkling fire was reaching it. 

But the war was going on.

In the middle of Hell I heard, then, a faint voice. I don’t know how I but I instinctively knew it was calling me. It was a zombie that seemed around my age. It looked like he was almost dead. 

I asked myself the reason why I never realized they could speak.

It called me again in plea and I went to it. The zombie handed me a little mirror with a photo inside. 

“Give it back to my wife, please. Tell her that I love her and that I’m sorry”

I asked myself how could zombies have families and, in the moment I did, it died. I just appeared surprised.

I looked at the photo then. A beautiful woman was smiling on the other side. Before I could ask myself anything else, I looked into the other side of the mirror.

There was a zombie.

The moment I realised the terrific truth, I fell on the cold ground, hot blood coming out of my head.

I am a –

THE END
“I guess soldiers must repeat to themselves they’re going hunting zombies to have their conscience clean”

A tale of the Angel and the Phoenix

On the same planet you found this old book, lived, thousands of years ago, an Angel and a Phoenix.

The little Angel fell hard on the ground, he wasn’t ready in using his white, long wings. He was found and raised by a kind human family. Nobody could see his wings but him; he knew who he was and the reason why he was there. It was only his turn, his turn to become adult.           Each young Angel, soon after reaching 7 centuries, must surpass an examination. They aren’t able to return back till they gain the knowledge of that planet. Usually, faster Angels could do it in two years or three. Slower ones would take a decade, but then would return. He was the first Angel he knew who took 20 years and was still wondering on that strange planet called Earth. He felt quite ashamed of that. During those years, he met some brothers and sisters, but couldn’t exchange informations regarding the passage rite. Though he talked to them about home, he preferred being alone than with them. Being the oldest one and still stuck there made he feel uneasy. Not counting the surprised look in their eyes when they would see his wings. They tried to dissimulate their expression but he could see behind their façade. He decided, then, to leave everything. Staying there wasn’t the solution or, if it was there, he couldn’t see it. He decided to travel to the other side of the world.

The little Phoenix breathed and screamed to life, moving gently her wings and looking around her with curious eyes, though, it wasn’t the first time for her to be born. She was born, for the first time, a million of years before, and what she didn’t know was that she just welcomed to her last rebirth. The little red Phoenix was growing fast, just like every other time. She was so old, and tired too sometimes. Thousands of lives disappeared before her eyes and she had as only companion, Mother Nature. She could feel every river flowing into her, the wind filling her lungs and green forests giving her energies. But her companion was disappearing too… One day, the Phoenix saw a light and she thought her life would be forever different. She was happy and she didn’t think that it could vanish and let her in despair. But it happened. And her deep sadness would have prevented her to reborn, as the will to live left her soul. She was mortal now.

The Angel travelled for weeks, visiting colorful, different countries, before reaching his destination. He couldn’t understand how humans could dwell in pleasures so much. ‘Humans are stupid’ he thought, approaching the other side of the world. ‘So many problems and so little intention to solve them’.           Once arrived, an almost desert land appeared. He took his empty water bottle from his bag, before walking toward an oasis. The Angel bent on his knees and refilled the bottle.         “Who are you?”asked a feeble voice behind him. 

“Is this your home? I’m sorry for intruding. I walked a lot and was really thirsty, that’s why I came here”                          

The Phoenix looked the figure carefully, then approached him slowly.           

“You’re hurt”she said, looking him in the eyes.                                   

“You’re mistaken. I was thirsty, not hurt. I’m fine now”  

“Your eyes are sad” she pointed out.

“Yours are not much better.”     

She touched his wings, a little worried.     

“You could not fly. What happened to your wings?”  

He was taken aback by her questions; she could see his wings too. He looked better and understood the reason: she was a Phoenix. Though her aura was disappearing.                     

“Maybe I can cure you. Lay down and stay still”                          

“It can’t be cured.” He said “I’m here to find the Knowledge. But the more time passes the more I lose my feathers. This way, I won’t be able to go back”                                 

She thought deeply before speaking.

 “Are you sure it’s the time passing?” She started to walk, with him by her side “I think differently. It’s the hurt you’re experiencing. You’re seeing the world for what it is: wars, hunger, violence, diseases. You can’t stand or accept it. And, as a reaction, your feathers are falling” 

He looked at her like he couldn’t believe his ears.                                       

“So, I should not care to gain them back and return home?”    

“You’re an Angel. You’re experiencing human emotions… till you do, you can’t return home. You have to understand that this world has good aspects too.”                                 

The Angel stayed with the Phoenix for years, trying to learn to not be touched by any feeling. Or, at least, it was what he wanted to do. In reality, a beautiful and strong relationship blossomed.       

“Maybe my destiny is to not pass the test and be with you, in this oasis forever. Maybe, I found what I was truly searching on the other part of the world”   

“One life for sure…” she said, smiling, and sadly thinking that her life was about to end.          

The Angel smiled, touching her chest.                                            

“You can’t see it, right?”                       “What?”                                                       “You can reborn again now. Maybe our meeting was planned. Decided or not, I’ll gladly live my lives with you”                                                     

She smiled.               

“If you are my Angel, I would be your wings till the end of time”

                                                      

Essence

HeavensStairway

– I’m scared
– Scared of what?
– I’m scared…
– Why? I’m here, talk to me. What makes you anxious?
– Sometimes it’s stronger, it becomes terrifying
– Did something happen?
– I hate to listen the melody of your voice when it’s worried, but I’m too scared.
– If you hate it, tell me, tell me what it is.
– I’m scared…terrified that one day you could..despise me. That one day you will leave me.
– Why do you say so absurd things? Why should I? Don’t overthink over such stupid things.
– I ruined everything
– You could ever ruin anything. Can I know what it’s going on that little cute head?
– Everything is my fault. I should have the courage, the strength, to go away from your life. But I can’t. I can’t…and my presence has ruined your relationship with your parents. Don’t caress me like that. It’s the truth. You could have kept living your life in tranquillity. You could have found someone, married, had children…but…
– Are you serious?
– Don’t laugh
– Sorry but I never heard so many absurdities all at once. I thought it was clear. You are all I want.
– …
– I’ll keep caressing you. Your skin is so smooth and delicate. I only need you, of your presence, of your heat, of your love.
– I don’t want to be a problem for you. It’s all so complicated now.
– Don’t be stupid. When we can we will go away from this contemporary Middle Age. We will go in Norway, in Sweden… I won’t leave you in this Hell. You’re everything to me. Everything I need. You complete me and give me new life every day.
– Your hand is hot
– Still scared?
– No…But…Hey! Don’t block in a so sweet way my word!
– You need punishment for having taken off time from our “sweet time”
– Ah! Ah! No! Don’t tickle me! I’m the one who is sorry but we have to stand up!
– No, it’s not right, don’t go away!
– Eh, eh, it’s your punishment.
– We are two stupid right?
– Two unsure stupid that love each other and worry too much for useless things…
– Two stupid that almost can’t believe how strong and complex is this emotion. Oh, you’re already back. Already missing me?
– A punishment for you is for me as well.
– No…don’t…don’t cry please. We swore it to each other.
– It’s all my fault!
– Sh..Shh..No..no
– Nothing will ever happen! Nothing!
– Shh..now stop..I’m here.
– Go away! Run! You must..Don’t hug me!
– I love you. I’ll be with you. Always with yo.
– Only I have to do it. You have to go! I’m begging you!
– Shh..I already did it.
– What…?! How Why didn’t you tell me? When?
– Don’t be agitated. shh..I couldn’t see you.. so..
– Give it to me!
– No damn it
– We have to do it together..my love I’m not scared. I’m not scared anymore. I know it’s not over. I know we will see each other again. I feel it.
– I feel it too. Next time it will go better. I’ll protect you.
– Hug me..tightly. I want to feel you..your essence..entering in me and give me life.
– I desperately love you, do you know that?
– I know
– Don’t cry
– I love you
– Me too
– Do you think thay in the world it exist another live so unique and intense?
– It’s hard…my lo..
– …oh…are you already asleep? Sleep without worries my love. In a little I’ll sleep too. I’m with you…Shh…Where are you now? I don’t want you to be alone. Wait for me…I’m coming. I’m coming…

Shattered

broken_spiral_of_mirror_tube_by_eralex61

Who is the Other?

Who is that person that is observed, judged, persecuted?

Doesn’t that person all the characteristics that inscribe him/her in the human race?

What’s “the Other”? It’s simply other than me.

Then why do I considere him/her so different? Other than me, only means that it’s not me. Then…evertything that it’s not me it’s wrong, abnormal, against nature, limitated, something to throw away?

Yes, it’s certainly this way. Look at him.

He is so short and brune; his eyes seem wanting to know every secret. He is just in front of me.

A monster.

Look at how he deeply looks at me with his cold sight. Am I not the one to look at him in that way?

I’m doing the same, I’m looking at him in the same way. But why? Why he also has to to the same? Why has him to disprove me? I’m pure, just, in harmony with the nature. And him?

It’s him! He is the error! He is that hasn’t to be! Stop it!

He is trying to pick a fight! Stop it. Don’t look at me in that way! What do you want? Go away! Go away from my sight! An abomination! Go away!

Damn, if you don’t fucking go away I’ll punch you!

W – What’s that? Do you think I can’t do it? I’ll be kind. I’ll give you the time to run away. Yes, this is what you’re born to do.

Three..Run away now that you can!

Two…Go away and save yourself, I’m warning you.

One.

O-One.

Have you heard me? Are you stupid? Ok, now you’re pissing me off!

….This…hurts. It stings. Why? Why is it all red?

My hand…why does it sting?

And why there is…is it glass?! Where was it? But..why?

Why am I crying? Why? It’s so low. Why do I cry?

It’s me. It’s me.

The other it’s me.

Time

torn_apart_by_atbash07

Wondering. This is what I’m doing for the last two hours. The streets seem so empty, but still they’re so full of people. I can’t see them; I can’t hear them. It’s like I’m in another world; the one in my mind, completely separated from reality.

But…was it like this? Oh, how I wanted that the images in my head were only some feeble and inconsistent dream.

I don’t even notice that I’m starting to breathe heavily. The phone in my jacket’s pocket becomes heavier with every step I take. It almost seems to reflect the heaviness I’m feeling in my heart. I’m continuing walking without knowing where to go; well: I don’t even know where I am, after all. I just walked and walked in an unknown city and now got lost. But I wasn’t really worried about that; my mind was somewhere else. I could only feel that it was becoming chilly at some point, so the first thought I had was to enter in some shop, bar, or whate-oh… a magnificent mansion came into my view. It was really big and it was built in a simple, classical style, that gave to its complexion an austere air. A beautiful garden and a fountain were around to decorate it and give it color and life. The first thing I did was to take that rock in my pocket.

‘She must see this too’  I think, also if I don’t send the photo. I can’t.

I notice that the gates are slightly open, but I can’t understand the reason. Maybe it wasn’t a private building, but museum or something like that. I don’t really think before acting, like I usually do, and I silently enter. The moon is high in the sky and the night’s cloak seems to hide me and incite me to go further. I reach the door and grab the doorknob, but I realize it’s closed. But however, I decide I must enter, no matter what. I walk around the mansion and I see a slightly opened window: that’s exactly what I’m searching for. I enter in the dead silent house. I somehow have a feeling that something is strange and off and that I must go away, because I shouldn’t be there. My brain can sense the danger but by body can’t move. I can only think to one thing and one thing only.

Right now, for the past hours, for the past days, I can only think to my love. Three days that I don’t hear to her voice seem an eternity.

I miss her.

I miss her too much.

Her words and mine keep screaming in my head, though we were not screaming. If only I could turn off those voices…

Without noticing, I start walking around the rooms. The interiors are also more stunning and precious than the exterior part. I stop at one point, admiring a particular painting. It’s “The kiss”. I remember the day I made her see it among the paintings I loved more…And she said she liked it. I stop my steps and make another photo. The room is very big and has a pricey furniture in it. I notice a little bookcase and a fireplace; on the other side of the room there are an armchair and a casement window. I go near the fireplace, bringing my hands close to it. The heat started warming my body up, but that only. I sit on the floor; I didn’t realize I was so tired, till I did. I wondered why I even came there. I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have. Everything was an error, a terrible mistake. I should have remained in that home. In our home. But I didn’t. I decided to start this stupid and useless travel alone. What did I want to prove? Exactly what? I was a fool who couldn’t even handle a discussion and who decided to run away for some time.

That day we quarreled for the first time.

We were just returned from an evening spent with some friends to the cinema and I was cooking something for us, before going to sleep. She helped me and we ate together as always; everything seemed so normal. Everything was just so normal. Little we knew that after some hours the storm would have arrived. We were very tired, because of the long day at university, but, when we reached the bedroom, it was like our fatigue was gone. We really didn’t plan it, because, usually, when we were too exhausted, we cuddle and kiss to sleep. But that time we made love. It started with our usual hugging and kissing, but somehow, little by little, our kisses became more needy and we soon were more and more hungry of each other. After some minutes she came on top of me and continued kissing me, while I caressed her hair with a hand and the other was intertwined with her fingers, above my head. She started kissing my neck, then, and bite it, while I bit my lips trying to suppress my moans. Then I came on top of her, and then she come on top again, and then again me. It was like we couldn’t have enough of each other. I never was so needy and neither was my love. It wasn’t out first time, but maybe our last. We knew each other since we were little; we were the typical childhood friends who grow up together and later fall in love. Yes, the a-typical thing was that we both are girls, but we were doing just fine. We really were fine. We lived together from 2 years and things were going really well between us. We love each other deeply and we learned and are working to overcome and embrace our differences. But I just…made go everything wrong in less than 30 minutes. The day after an anonymous message arrived to my phone and my mind went totally blank. It was a photo of my love with an unknown girl: they were in an intimate position and kissing. The text message said: “You’re dreaming if you think that she still loves you. She is only waiting for the occasion to leave you”. I trembled in the bed for long minutes, before raising from the bed, still stunned. In that moment I decided to use my mum’s gift-trip for two people, but I would have gone there alone.

“What are you doing?”

Her voice was sleepy, and I felt a pang in my heart listening to it. I didn’t reply and I continued doing what I was doing. Then she felt that something was wrong and came near to me, asking again: “What are you doing?”.

“I’m packing my luggage” I replied, without even looking at her. I knew that even a glance would have made me change my purpose.

“Are we leaving?” She asked, confused.

“I am. Tomorrow my plane will leave at 8. I’m going to use my mum’s gift now” I mechanically said, without stopping my movements. Hearing this, she took my hand to block me, looking seriously at me now. But I still couldn’t look at her.

“What are you even saying? We planned to go next month together, didn’t we?”

“We did, but plans can change.”

Several minutes passed in complete silence. She kept looking at me, as if by doing that she wanted to read inside me and understand what the hell was going on.

“You are making me go crazy. What is happening? Just tell me what’s happening. I can’t understand if you don’t tell me”

“That’s the reason why you want to leave me? Because I make you go crazy?” I said it, looking her in the eyes for the first time.

She looked at me as she want totally dumbfounded.

“Don’t look at me like that, I know the truth. You should have told me sooner” I said, trembling and looking at the luggage.

“Me… leaving you? What are you talking about?”

I didn’t reply and just took my phone. After some seconds I showed her the message. I took my hand back from hers and continued putting my things in the luggage. Other heavy minutes passed in silence. Only the noises of shifted objects could be heard.

“So, are you leaving without even asking me for an explanation?”

Those words froze me.

“Did you believe that, without even talking to me about it?”

I can’t pull out from my heart the hurt and betrayed tone she was speaking with.

I couldn’t meet her eyes again. I had no courage to do it twice.

“What is it to talk about? The photo is there.”

“Yes. And I thought that our relationship was something more than believing in a photo and in words written by some unknown person” She bitterly replied back.

I found myself shivering, my heart thumping in my chest and my mouth went completely dry. I needed to leave now. Because her words were so true that made me ashamed of myself.

I’m so immersed in my thoughts that I almost don’t hear the noises approaching outside. And, when I do it’s too late. I feel it. I’m going to be discovered. I open the door and, instinctively, look on the left side of the corridor: there were two men coming toward my direction and, as I discover in surprise, with guns in their hands. I gasp in utterly horror, without could stop myself. And I knew in that precise moment that I should start running. And I did. I start running in the opposite direction hoping that they won’t fire at me. I’m not a great runner, but I’m good at hiding. So after some minutes I stopped and entered in the first room I found. This one wasn’t really big and the only hidden place was behind a heavy, long curtain and an old couch. I put the hands on my mouths trying hard to not make any noise go outside. I carefully listen to those men’s steps praying to not hear them stop in front of this room. My heart starts beating fast in my chest. I don’t hear any noise anymore. I perfectly know what this means. The room violently opens and I’m about to gasp again, but this time I can control it better. The two men carefully look inside and I know it’s just a matter of time before they’ll discover me. So I think to stand up and try to run outside among them. Ah, but obviously my plan fails.

“Where did you think to escape?” said the taller one in English, pulling my arm toward him.

I felt my legs suddenly weak and my mind wondered again on her. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me; these men seem dangerous. But the first thing (or the last, I can’t know) I think about is her. I don’t fight anymore (it’s also so useless to do so) and just let them taking me outside the room. We go back and go through the same hallway. I hear them talking, but I can’t understand them now. We walk fast for a minute before reaching another room. They just knock, open the door and then pushed me inside. The first thing I notice is that the chamber is in semi-darkness and it’s only illuminated by some candles arranged neatly in the room. I hold my breath when I realize that I’m not alone. Someone is standing, looking out the window. He didn’t even looked at me when I entered, but somehow he seemed also more dangerous to me than the other two men together. Instinctively I reach the door again, but a voice stops me.

“There are two guards outside this room. There is no way you can leave this mansion”

I freeze hearing that. I was in trap. I tried to talk, without looking toward the man.

“I-I’m not a thief, sir…I know I did wrong entering in this mansion, but I’d be thankful if you would let me go, without calling the police or something”

He takes off the eyes from the window and looks across the room, taking some steps.

“Oh, but I know that you aren’t a thief. I’m looking at you from the moment you took your first step in my property. Wouldn’t it be foolish to not have any video cameras in a place like this?”

I don’t reply anything and just take my eyes fixed on the ground. If he knows, why doesn’t he let me go? He wants some explanations, maybe.

“Do you know the reason why I didn’t just kill you?”

Hearing that makes me shivering. Killing? What the heck is he saying? And more important where did I ended up?! Killing for just entering in a house? No police? Why did I even decide to enter here? Why do I lure danger like a magnet?

And in that moment, something unexpected happened. A soft melody could be heard in the air and I soon realized that it comes from my phone.

God.

“Your phone is ringing; you should check who is it”

My hand trembles, but I don’t move a bit. I perfectly know who is calling me. I have this tune only when she calls me. My love. I would never reply and put her in danger in any way. I swallow and caress the phone above the jacket’s fabric.

“Let me go.” After I heard about killing and stuff, I don’t think it was needed any false respect “I’ve no business here. If you want to call the police, I’ll accept it and will go with them”

He smiles and makes other steps toward me, while I move backwards. Now he is standing in front of me.

“I won’t call the police, as I just said. But I won’t let you go either. Actually, the only reason why I didn’t kill you, is because among the women who came to me, you really stirred up my curiosity. You aren’t beautiful as they are, of course. But I can see that you’re more interesting and strong. So, I decided to make you my wife”

I think that my mouth opened for the shock hearing those words. Things were more complicated than what I thought they were. What was all this? Wife?! I lift my eyes for the first time.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. I’m sure that there are more beautiful and interesting women who would be interested to be your wife, but I’m not.”

“I’ve already decided.” He says, smiling again “You will be happy. Every woman would want to be in your place”

“A-Already decided?” I was starting feeling uneasy “This is against my will. You would just keep me here against my will; that’s against laws! And, I would be never happy! Just take another woman who really wants it! I can be happy with one person only!” I exclaimed, agitated.

“Laws are in my hands in this country, didn’t you know that?” I swallow hard hearing that. Where was I? Who is he? “And, so, there is another person. That’s why you’re being difficult” I start to tremble slightly, avoiding his eyes again.

“I don’t want to stay here. I’m here in holiday. I just…want to return to the person I love. Please, let me go” I beg. “Please”

But it’s like he doesn’t hear what I say. He just mumbled something to himself and then smiled again.

“I’ll get rid of the problem in some days. If your ‘love’ dies, you would forget him and the problem will be solved” he says, like it was the most simple and normal thing in the world.

I freak out. I just freak out. I start to tremble violently and murmur incomprehensible words. What is he saying? What he just said? Did I hear correctly? No, no, no, that’s not possible. That’s just…impossible. I refuse to believe it. My legs give out and I fall on the ground, grabbing the expensive attire of the other.

“Don’t you dare touching her” I dangerously say “Don’t you dare hurt her in any way, I swear I would kill you. Don’t you dare, don’t you dare” I continue saying like a mantra. “I would really kill you” I say, aggressively looking at him.

“I don’t think you’re in a position to make any threat” says he, calmly. “But you hating me would be a bad start indeed.” He appears to deeply think about something and then finally speaks “There is something you can do about this”

“What? What must I do?” I ask, always more agitated “I’d do anything, just…don’t harm her in any way”

“Then, you must cut every contact with her. Call her now, tell her that your so-called relationship is ended, and then don’t contact her anymore. That’s the price you must pay for her to be safe”

I start trembling again, while those words were slowly sinking in my head. I feel a pain without name. It’s the strongest pain I ever felt in my life. I can’t breathe properly and my brain is suddenly full of images of her and us.

Oh, God.

I swallow and slowly take the phone in my hand. I see the two calls she previously gave me. Did she sense the danger? I swallow again before clicking her name and putting the phone near my ear. She takes my call at the first ring.

But I can’t talk… I just can’t talk. My eyes start to sting.

“I called you before…” she said. Oh, how much I missed this voice! “I just wandered how you are”

Oh, this is her… this is my precious love. Right now I’d just want to cry and beg her to forgive me for what I said, for what I did. I hurt her. I hurt her a lot. I just acted on instinct and because of my fears and insecurities, without talking with her, without trusting her. I did so wrong. But what should have done now? Obviously I can’t do what I wish to do… Obviously I can’t say how sorry I am. I can’t ask how she is. I can’t say that…

“Are you there?”

Oh, it’s true. You aren’t using our nicknames now, but why your voice sounds so sweet? Why must I do this? Why must it be so hard?

I’m sorry.

“I’m here” I say with difficulty.

“Are you ok?”

Why do you still worry this much for me? I hurt you, didn’t I?

“I want to…” I close my eyes and try to control my breathe “close our relationship…”

I’m sorry.

The first tear falls down my cheek. But I must resist till the end. I must not cry.

“I think…that we should talk about it better when you return here” says she. But I know she is shocked. She is just hiding it. But she should know, by now, that there is anything that she could hide from me. Because, for me, she is my favorite book. She is the book I was discovering day by day, an everlasting one, with infinite and scented pages. The book I will never finish to read and the one I’ll be never tired to read again and again, and discover new things.

“There is no need for that.” I swallow hard “I don’t love you anymore”

I’m sorry

I know I must do it so that she would hate me one day.

“What are you saying, Kitty? Are you serious? I think we sho-“

“Things change…Please, be happy. Find someone who will love you and be happy. Forget about me. Farewell”

I close the communication. My heart isn’t beating anymore. I feel like everything in me is dead. My gaze is lost somewhere and my tears continue wetting my face. I can’t feel anything anymore. The pain is so strong that anesthetized me.

I wake up soaked in tears and in sweat. My breath is heavy and I can feel my heart exploding. A hand is caressing my hairs and whispering to me some words, but I can’t understand what they say at first.

“Shh, Kitty it was just a nightmare…Everything is ok now”

My eyes are open now. I look at her with a mix of pure joy and desperation and continue crying, before holding her tightly. It seems I dreamt about what actually just happened some days ago, but to which I reacted in a different way than the dream I was in. This is the worst nightmare I ever had in my life.

“Oh, my god. Oh, my god… You’re here with me, oh my god”

“Where should I be then?” she says, laughing a bit, and holding me closer.

“Just here…in my arms” I whisper, sighing.

We were safe. We were in our home, in our bedroom, in our bed. In each other’s arms, feeling each other’s heart. Everything was going well.