Fear

Happiness is worrisome.

You live not knowing when or if it will be stolen from you.

When you feel the happiest, there is also this kind of fear. The scary thought of losing it. And you start thinking: “I had been happy for so long now” 

It seems so strange that you feel something wrong may suddenly happen and, then, that same thing laughing at you: “What did you expect? You knew that I would come back; you mustn’t smile for a too long time”

But then, there is also another part of you. It whispers to not over-think, that everything is going to be fine, that you have to trust, that there comes no good in being projected in a not-so-probable future.

So, you tell yourself to believe and to smile, to stop thinking silly stuff and to live in the present.

Though, hidden in the most obscure part of your heart, you know that that fear is still there. Tamed, but not gone.

Waiting, in the dark, to strike again.

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The Raven

In the thick darkness she wandered alone. 

The veil of the night embraced the black, vast forest but she calmly walked through it.

Her red-pearl long dress was shining while gently moving in the world devoid of light.

A raven was singing his grief on a high leafless tree, then stopped, as she passed.

The woman looked up at him, a smile painting her face for the first time.

“Muninn” she called. “I came to take you with me”

The hrafn stayed still, his gaze piercing her left hand. His wings menaced to tremble, but his will kept them immobile.

“He didn’t have to do this” the woman talked again, looking at the black, little corpse at the bottom of the tree. “I’m giving you a choice”.

Muninn flew to her left shoulder, his claws pierced in her porcelain skin.

“You made the right decision” she said, smiling again.

She was about to move her feet again, when the raven stroke her blue eyes with his beak.

The woman screamed and tried to free herself, letting something fall from her hand. 

Muninn was implacable, though he was hurt. 

He, then, took off the whole eyeballs and ate them, while the blood streamed on his immaculate feathers.

She fell on the cold ground and the raven hit her till she stopped breathing.

Odin’s glassy open eyes were looking at him.

He was mortally wounded, but he didn’t care. 

Muninn was going to accept his destiny after his act of vengeance.

He, then, slowly walked toward his brother and lied down, closing his tired eyes.

———

This has nothing to do with the real Norse mythology; Odin was never killed by a woman in red dress, nor that happened to his ravens (Huginn and Muninn). It just… happened xD

Doubt

Walking with apparent security,

Stalling in uncertainty.

When the pillars that grow strong, like roots in the breathing meadow, shake, you find yourself wandering on a shattered floor.

This never-ending sensation keeps bothering the mind.

Trying to rationally reply to impossible riddles,

while you don’t even know the truth yourself.

When doubt arise, infiltrating your mind, it’s too late to look back at your past, unclouded self.

You must uncertainly walk till you find the answer.

Though the senses are obstructed and deceptive. 

Do not stop looking for it.

Surely, behind this thick fog, there is a new world waiting for you.

Defeat

A.S.= I wrote this in a dark period if my life and, though now I’m perfectly fine, I decided to post it. Everyone can overcome darkness, despair (in one word, depression). Though I was feeling so helpless I did it and so can you. Don’t give up! Never do it!
I still haven’t figured out what’s life about. 

You were born in this world. Young, inexperienced as you were, you thought it was a beautiful place to live your fairytale.

Colors, noises, faces and perfumes. 

You thought that everything would have been just happy.

What a 4 years old baby can know about problems?

Then, growing up, life shows its true identity: a black never ending ink continuously following you. 

Maybe it’s your shadow itself.

You think that life it’s like this and that it’s not fair for anyone. You try to think about people who have it worse than you and then guilt eats you up. You think that’s only a phase and that sun will rise again.

But no. 

It won’t make the obscurity end.

Because, you know, everytime I had had a problem big or small I faced it, alone. By choice. 

Yes, for years there was nobody for me. But I defeated every inch of darkness around people I love. 

I had no fear for anything.

I was strong.

I was bold. 

I was a warrior.

I was.

Because I realize that it doesn’t matter how much you try to run and run… for a moment of happiness I have to pay way too much despair and for an undefined time. 

I don’t really believe in karma. But if there is something like that, mine is really bad. I wonder what I could have done in my previous life to live in my 23 years of live already so much pain.

What’s worse it’s that’s not even victimisation: it’s the plain truth. Nobody knows our lives so nobody should judge or say “others have it worse than you”.

I get that other people feel pain. I spent my life taking care of them and I keep doing it in any way I can. 

But I feel it too. And thinking to measure pain simply comparing people’s lives is really wrong.

What I know is that every time I’m happy, something has to happen and destroy it. It has always been like this.

It’s like a cycle. An endless one.

Every time I’m truly happy I’m so scared because I know that it doesn’t matter what I do… darkness never fails to get me.

And it’s so painful.

It’s so painful living with the fear of being happy.

I don’t even remember what it is.

How? 

How can I forget what happiness is?

Well… when despair takes your entire mind… your brain won’t allow you to remember it.

And what I know is that I would pay to sleep… and sleep.. also for years… and to wake up only when good things would (hopefully) happen and the pain will end.

I’m not a warrior anymore. I’m really tired.

Nobody deserves to live in a haunted maze.

Last Dance

Like soft melodies, his echoes played a beautiful lullaby in her heart.

Eyes closed, arms lifted, in the darkness she danced.

A light move and then turned, her inner music guiding it.

The completely black sky looked down, envying the shining doll.

‘I’m so sorry, are you ok?’

His voice kept spreading like a river does in its bed.

Overflowing, it took possession of her mind.

‘I love you’

A pirouette swallowed the night, slowly approaching to the climax. 

Silent steps tiptoed on a symphony that only she could hear.

‘We will be together forever’

The white-pearl velvet dress mirrored her dancing soul.

Like spring wind, she lightly floated in the thick misty air.

‘I’m sorry’

The delicate movements became slower, gravitating toward the end.

The girl completely stopped after a last twirl.

She looked on the ground, her breath slightly irregular.

Her lips moved in a smile as she touched the cold stone with her fair fingers.

“Liar” 

A broken whisper filled the empty space. The red shoes led her to the yearned cliff, while the same fingers wiped old tears.

“Wait for me”

Splinter


She was running toward deception, a fake mirror of her desires.
He comfortably wore the gold mask and she decided to be blinded by it.

The girl knew that those feelings were a mere fa├žade, a way to escape pain and confusion.

He hurt her and she hurt who wanted to help.

The shallow mirror shattered, some its fragments still pierced in her skin.

Pretending to forget never heals. It only turns you into an easy prey and throw you in an unconscious circle of selfishness.

Memento

Take me away
Be my afterglow, my retrograde amnesia.

Let me fly on your wings and set me free.

I do not want to stay in this so hurtful city any longer. Every time I set my feet outside the door memories pushes me down.

Everything I lay my gaze on holds a memento in the framework of my life.

I won’t say that only negative tokens pervade the place I grew up in, because that would be a lie.

But what do you do when those aren’t enough to enlighten your smile?

You search for something more. 

You become greedy. 

Wanting true happiness in a world devoid of memories.