Wondering. This is what I’m doing for the last two hours. The streets seem so empty, but still they’re so full of people. I can’t see them; I can’t hear them. It’s like I’m in another world; the one in my mind, completely separated from reality.
But…was it like this? Oh, how I wanted that the images in my head were only some feeble and inconsistent dream.
I don’t even notice that I’m starting to breathe heavily. The phone in my jacket’s pocket becomes heavier with every step I take. It almost seems to reflect the heaviness I’m feeling in my heart. I’m continuing walking without knowing where to go; well: I don’t even know where I am, after all. I just walked and walked in an unknown city and now got lost. But I wasn’t really worried about that; my mind was somewhere else. I could only feel that it was becoming chilly at some point, so the first thought I had was to enter in some shop, bar, or whate-oh… a magnificent mansion came into my view. It was really big and it was built in a simple, classical style, that gave to its complexion an austere air. A beautiful garden and a fountain were around to decorate it and give it color and life. The first thing I did was to take that rock in my pocket.
‘She must see this too’ I think, also if I don’t send the photo. I can’t.
I notice that the gates are slightly open, but I can’t understand the reason. Maybe it wasn’t a private building, but museum or something like that. I don’t really think before acting, like I usually do, and I silently enter. The moon is high in the sky and the night’s cloak seems to hide me and incite me to go further. I reach the door and grab the doorknob, but I realize it’s closed. But however, I decide I must enter, no matter what. I walk around the mansion and I see a slightly opened window: that’s exactly what I’m searching for. I enter in the dead silent house. I somehow have a feeling that something is strange and off and that I must go away, because I shouldn’t be there. My brain can sense the danger but by body can’t move. I can only think to one thing and one thing only.
Right now, for the past hours, for the past days, I can only think to my love. Three days that I don’t hear to her voice seem an eternity.
I miss her.
I miss her too much.
Her words and mine keep screaming in my head, though we were not screaming. If only I could turn off those voices…
Without noticing, I start walking around the rooms. The interiors are also more stunning and precious than the exterior part. I stop at one point, admiring a particular painting. It’s “The kiss”. I remember the day I made her see it among the paintings I loved more…And she said she liked it. I stop my steps and make another photo. The room is very big and has a pricey furniture in it. I notice a little bookcase and a fireplace; on the other side of the room there are an armchair and a casement window. I go near the fireplace, bringing my hands close to it. The heat started warming my body up, but that only. I sit on the floor; I didn’t realize I was so tired, till I did. I wondered why I even came there. I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have. Everything was an error, a terrible mistake. I should have remained in that home. In our home. But I didn’t. I decided to start this stupid and useless travel alone. What did I want to prove? Exactly what? I was a fool who couldn’t even handle a discussion and who decided to run away for some time.
That day we quarreled for the first time.
We were just returned from an evening spent with some friends to the cinema and I was cooking something for us, before going to sleep. She helped me and we ate together as always; everything seemed so normal. Everything was just so normal. Little we knew that after some hours the storm would have arrived. We were very tired, because of the long day at university, but, when we reached the bedroom, it was like our fatigue was gone. We really didn’t plan it, because, usually, when we were too exhausted, we cuddle and kiss to sleep. But that time we made love. It started with our usual hugging and kissing, but somehow, little by little, our kisses became more needy and we soon were more and more hungry of each other. After some minutes she came on top of me and continued kissing me, while I caressed her hair with a hand and the other was intertwined with her fingers, above my head. She started kissing my neck, then, and bite it, while I bit my lips trying to suppress my moans. Then I came on top of her, and then she come on top again, and then again me. It was like we couldn’t have enough of each other. I never was so needy and neither was my love. It wasn’t out first time, but maybe our last. We knew each other since we were little; we were the typical childhood friends who grow up together and later fall in love. Yes, the a-typical thing was that we both are girls, but we were doing just fine. We really were fine. We lived together from 2 years and things were going really well between us. We love each other deeply and we learned and are working to overcome and embrace our differences. But I just…made go everything wrong in less than 30 minutes. The day after an anonymous message arrived to my phone and my mind went totally blank. It was a photo of my love with an unknown girl: they were in an intimate position and kissing. The text message said: “You’re dreaming if you think that she still loves you. She is only waiting for the occasion to leave you”. I trembled in the bed for long minutes, before raising from the bed, still stunned. In that moment I decided to use my mum’s gift-trip for two people, but I would have gone there alone.
“What are you doing?”
Her voice was sleepy, and I felt a pang in my heart listening to it. I didn’t reply and I continued doing what I was doing. Then she felt that something was wrong and came near to me, asking again: “What are you doing?”.
“I’m packing my luggage” I replied, without even looking at her. I knew that even a glance would have made me change my purpose.
“Are we leaving?” She asked, confused.
“I am. Tomorrow my plane will leave at 8. I’m going to use my mum’s gift now” I mechanically said, without stopping my movements. Hearing this, she took my hand to block me, looking seriously at me now. But I still couldn’t look at her.
“What are you even saying? We planned to go next month together, didn’t we?”
“We did, but plans can change.”
Several minutes passed in complete silence. She kept looking at me, as if by doing that she wanted to read inside me and understand what the hell was going on.
“You are making me go crazy. What is happening? Just tell me what’s happening. I can’t understand if you don’t tell me”
“That’s the reason why you want to leave me? Because I make you go crazy?” I said it, looking her in the eyes for the first time.
She looked at me as she want totally dumbfounded.
“Don’t look at me like that, I know the truth. You should have told me sooner” I said, trembling and looking at the luggage.
“Me… leaving you? What are you talking about?”
I didn’t reply and just took my phone. After some seconds I showed her the message. I took my hand back from hers and continued putting my things in the luggage. Other heavy minutes passed in silence. Only the noises of shifted objects could be heard.
“So, are you leaving without even asking me for an explanation?”
Those words froze me.
“Did you believe that, without even talking to me about it?”
I can’t pull out from my heart the hurt and betrayed tone she was speaking with.
I couldn’t meet her eyes again. I had no courage to do it twice.
“What is it to talk about? The photo is there.”
“Yes. And I thought that our relationship was something more than believing in a photo and in words written by some unknown person” She bitterly replied back.
I found myself shivering, my heart thumping in my chest and my mouth went completely dry. I needed to leave now. Because her words were so true that made me ashamed of myself.
I’m so immersed in my thoughts that I almost don’t hear the noises approaching outside. And, when I do it’s too late. I feel it. I’m going to be discovered. I open the door and, instinctively, look on the left side of the corridor: there were two men coming toward my direction and, as I discover in surprise, with guns in their hands. I gasp in utterly horror, without could stop myself. And I knew in that precise moment that I should start running. And I did. I start running in the opposite direction hoping that they won’t fire at me. I’m not a great runner, but I’m good at hiding. So after some minutes I stopped and entered in the first room I found. This one wasn’t really big and the only hidden place was behind a heavy, long curtain and an old couch. I put the hands on my mouths trying hard to not make any noise go outside. I carefully listen to those men’s steps praying to not hear them stop in front of this room. My heart starts beating fast in my chest. I don’t hear any noise anymore. I perfectly know what this means. The room violently opens and I’m about to gasp again, but this time I can control it better. The two men carefully look inside and I know it’s just a matter of time before they’ll discover me. So I think to stand up and try to run outside among them. Ah, but obviously my plan fails.
“Where did you think to escape?” said the taller one in English, pulling my arm toward him.
I felt my legs suddenly weak and my mind wondered again on her. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me; these men seem dangerous. But the first thing (or the last, I can’t know) I think about is her. I don’t fight anymore (it’s also so useless to do so) and just let them taking me outside the room. We go back and go through the same hallway. I hear them talking, but I can’t understand them now. We walk fast for a minute before reaching another room. They just knock, open the door and then pushed me inside. The first thing I notice is that the chamber is in semi-darkness and it’s only illuminated by some candles arranged neatly in the room. I hold my breath when I realize that I’m not alone. Someone is standing, looking out the window. He didn’t even looked at me when I entered, but somehow he seemed also more dangerous to me than the other two men together. Instinctively I reach the door again, but a voice stops me.
“There are two guards outside this room. There is no way you can leave this mansion”
I freeze hearing that. I was in trap. I tried to talk, without looking toward the man.
“I-I’m not a thief, sir…I know I did wrong entering in this mansion, but I’d be thankful if you would let me go, without calling the police or something”
He takes off the eyes from the window and looks across the room, taking some steps.
“Oh, but I know that you aren’t a thief. I’m looking at you from the moment you took your first step in my property. Wouldn’t it be foolish to not have any video cameras in a place like this?”
I don’t reply anything and just take my eyes fixed on the ground. If he knows, why doesn’t he let me go? He wants some explanations, maybe.
“Do you know the reason why I didn’t just kill you?”
Hearing that makes me shivering. Killing? What the heck is he saying? And more important where did I ended up?! Killing for just entering in a house? No police? Why did I even decide to enter here? Why do I lure danger like a magnet?
And in that moment, something unexpected happened. A soft melody could be heard in the air and I soon realized that it comes from my phone.
“Your phone is ringing; you should check who is it”
My hand trembles, but I don’t move a bit. I perfectly know who is calling me. I have this tune only when she calls me. My love. I would never reply and put her in danger in any way. I swallow and caress the phone above the jacket’s fabric.
“Let me go.” After I heard about killing and stuff, I don’t think it was needed any false respect “I’ve no business here. If you want to call the police, I’ll accept it and will go with them”
He smiles and makes other steps toward me, while I move backwards. Now he is standing in front of me.
“I won’t call the police, as I just said. But I won’t let you go either. Actually, the only reason why I didn’t kill you, is because among the women who came to me, you really stirred up my curiosity. You aren’t beautiful as they are, of course. But I can see that you’re more interesting and strong. So, I decided to make you my wife”
I think that my mouth opened for the shock hearing those words. Things were more complicated than what I thought they were. What was all this? Wife?! I lift my eyes for the first time.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. I’m sure that there are more beautiful and interesting women who would be interested to be your wife, but I’m not.”
“I’ve already decided.” He says, smiling again “You will be happy. Every woman would want to be in your place”
“A-Already decided?” I was starting feeling uneasy “This is against my will. You would just keep me here against my will; that’s against laws! And, I would be never happy! Just take another woman who really wants it! I can be happy with one person only!” I exclaimed, agitated.
“Laws are in my hands in this country, didn’t you know that?” I swallow hard hearing that. Where was I? Who is he? “And, so, there is another person. That’s why you’re being difficult” I start to tremble slightly, avoiding his eyes again.
“I don’t want to stay here. I’m here in holiday. I just…want to return to the person I love. Please, let me go” I beg. “Please”
But it’s like he doesn’t hear what I say. He just mumbled something to himself and then smiled again.
“I’ll get rid of the problem in some days. If your ‘love’ dies, you would forget him and the problem will be solved” he says, like it was the most simple and normal thing in the world.
I freak out. I just freak out. I start to tremble violently and murmur incomprehensible words. What is he saying? What he just said? Did I hear correctly? No, no, no, that’s not possible. That’s just…impossible. I refuse to believe it. My legs give out and I fall on the ground, grabbing the expensive attire of the other.
“Don’t you dare touching her” I dangerously say “Don’t you dare hurt her in any way, I swear I would kill you. Don’t you dare, don’t you dare” I continue saying like a mantra. “I would really kill you” I say, aggressively looking at him.
“I don’t think you’re in a position to make any threat” says he, calmly. “But you hating me would be a bad start indeed.” He appears to deeply think about something and then finally speaks “There is something you can do about this”
“What? What must I do?” I ask, always more agitated “I’d do anything, just…don’t harm her in any way”
“Then, you must cut every contact with her. Call her now, tell her that your so-called relationship is ended, and then don’t contact her anymore. That’s the price you must pay for her to be safe”
I start trembling again, while those words were slowly sinking in my head. I feel a pain without name. It’s the strongest pain I ever felt in my life. I can’t breathe properly and my brain is suddenly full of images of her and us.
I swallow and slowly take the phone in my hand. I see the two calls she previously gave me. Did she sense the danger? I swallow again before clicking her name and putting the phone near my ear. She takes my call at the first ring.
But I can’t talk… I just can’t talk. My eyes start to sting.
“I called you before…” she said. Oh, how much I missed this voice! “I just wandered how you are”
Oh, this is her… this is my precious love. Right now I’d just want to cry and beg her to forgive me for what I said, for what I did. I hurt her. I hurt her a lot. I just acted on instinct and because of my fears and insecurities, without talking with her, without trusting her. I did so wrong. But what should have done now? Obviously I can’t do what I wish to do… Obviously I can’t say how sorry I am. I can’t ask how she is. I can’t say that…
“Are you there?”
Oh, it’s true. You aren’t using our nicknames now, but why your voice sounds so sweet? Why must I do this? Why must it be so hard?
“I’m here” I say with difficulty.
“Are you ok?”
Why do you still worry this much for me? I hurt you, didn’t I?
“I want to…” I close my eyes and try to control my breathe “close our relationship…”
The first tear falls down my cheek. But I must resist till the end. I must not cry.
“I think…that we should talk about it better when you return here” says she. But I know she is shocked. She is just hiding it. But she should know, by now, that there is anything that she could hide from me. Because, for me, she is my favorite book. She is the book I was discovering day by day, an everlasting one, with infinite and scented pages. The book I will never finish to read and the one I’ll be never tired to read again and again, and discover new things.
“There is no need for that.” I swallow hard “I don’t love you anymore”
I know I must do it so that she would hate me one day.
“What are you saying, Kitty? Are you serious? I think we sho-“
“Things change…Please, be happy. Find someone who will love you and be happy. Forget about me. Farewell”
I close the communication. My heart isn’t beating anymore. I feel like everything in me is dead. My gaze is lost somewhere and my tears continue wetting my face. I can’t feel anything anymore. The pain is so strong that anesthetized me.
I wake up soaked in tears and in sweat. My breath is heavy and I can feel my heart exploding. A hand is caressing my hairs and whispering to me some words, but I can’t understand what they say at first.
“Shh, Kitty it was just a nightmare…Everything is ok now”
My eyes are open now. I look at her with a mix of pure joy and desperation and continue crying, before holding her tightly. It seems I dreamt about what actually just happened some days ago, but to which I reacted in a different way than the dream I was in. This is the worst nightmare I ever had in my life.
“Oh, my god. Oh, my god… You’re here with me, oh my god”
“Where should I be then?” she says, laughing a bit, and holding me closer.
“Just here…in my arms” I whisper, sighing.
We were safe. We were in our home, in our bedroom, in our bed. In each other’s arms, feeling each other’s heart. Everything was going well.